Dear Dr. Beach:

My new girlfriend owns a 165 pound Great Dane; when it stands on its hind legs Bosco is taller than me. The problem is she insists on allowing Bosco in the bedroom when we start getting hot and heavy, and frankly I’m scared the dog’s going to either bite me in the middle of sex or take me from behind like a prisoner picking up a bar of soap in the shower. Either way, it’s affecting my ability to maintain my erection. What should I do? –Jason P. Akron, OH

Dear Jason,

I have two concerns. My first is why your girlfriend wants the dog in the bedroom. Has she been in a bad relationship where she felt overpowered by a man? Perhaps she doesn’t trust you completely yet, so she wants the dog around as security? The last option is a bit out there… she could be into bestiality and wants the dog to join in. My second concern is that your girlfriend will soon lose interest if you can’t perform in the sack.
  

What we need is a diversion – something that neutralizes the dog long enough to give you the confidence to finish the act and show your girlfriend that you can be trusted and perform under pressure.
  

The next time you visit your girlfriend I want you to bring a peanut butter sandwich with you. Glob it on real thick but keep it out of sight. When your lady moves things into the bedroom, toss the sandwich to the dog when she’s not looking. This should give you about ten minutes to perform while the dog attempts to un-jam its tongue from the roof of its mouth. Continue this ploy and the dog will associate sex with eating.

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Author L.A. Knight

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